I look better, feel better, make love better and I'll tell you something else....I never lied better.

I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

There's an old saying, 'Life begins at forty.' That's silly. Life begins every morning you wake up.

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.

It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

I get up every morning and read the obituary column. If my name's not there, I eat breakfast.

Question marks are met with periodsBy people full of arroganceThey have every answer, nothing mysteriousAnd yet they have no evidence.

Anger elicits anger, fear elicits fear, no matter how well meaning we may be.

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

War kills men, and men deplore the loss; but war also crushes bad principles and tyrants, and so saves societies.

Procrastination is a lazy man's apology.

You draw closer to truth by shutting yourself off from mankind.

Philosophical systems are wholly true for their founders only.

Life is flying by. You don't have time to waste another minute being negative, offended or bitter. If someone did you wrong, get over it and move forward.

I almost cried the other day listening to ‘Vogue’ by Madonna.

You need a man to go to hell with.