I look hot and, most of all, skinny. I love the day after throwing up. I felt like a feather.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

True love is like ghosts, which everybody talks about and few have seen.

May God overflow your life with bountiful blessings of grace.

But I simply can't stand a view limited to this earth, I feel life is so small unless it has windows into other worlds...I like mathematics largely because it is not human.

I've been producing documentaries on global warming for 20 years and have seen the early warnings of extreme weather events come true.

Actors want to impress at the beginning, so you take advantage of that by suddenly saying, 'Right, you're here for two weeks.' What you're doing is creating a siege mentality.

We are not the only animal that mourns; apes do, and elephants, and dogs. Yet we are the only one that tortures.

Twitter, Facebook, Google + are the trifecta of marketing for authors (and bloggers).

[On Hillary Rodham Clinton:] She always looks so adorable, and she's intrepid; she's the biggest bargain America ever got, bigger than that Louisiana Purchase from my French friends.

I've learned that getting what you want gives you a pretty high batting average, and leaves you plenty to struggle for.

Friends can betray you, but with an old enemy, you always know where you stand.