I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Every great achievement started with a dream and every failure bred by staring eyes.

The only way someone can be of help to you is in challenging your ideas.

I'm no role model; all I want to show is love.

You must not let yourself become too respectable. Keep yourself a little wild. What is life for, if not for the living of it?

I'm known for being very enthusiastic about using technology. A lot of the attraction is the way that it streamlines the process and takes a lot of the drudgery out of it.

Did he annoy me? Yes, he was like a wasp at a picnic.

The problem with golf is I have to deal with a humiliation factor.

It's amazing how everything here seems like it's in abundance. In Cuba, there is a shortage of everything.

We are living through the most exciting, challenging and most critical time in human history. Never before has so much been possible; and never before has so much been at stake.

I'm drinking here break motor oil and Bombay gin, I'll sleep when I'm dead.