I lost 28 pounds in my divorce... because that's what a soul weighs.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

In rational worlds all the hierarchies of our world are reversed.

The moment after being let go, when we can finally let it go, is the moment when love once again has hope.

Humour is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite.

I frankly don't care if you agree with my stand on abortion. I take that stand because no other stand is consistent with decent principles, and no other standard is consistent with the will of God.

Luck is manufactured in the factory of GOD only. So no reason for believing only GOD and not LUCK.

I think, when men tell women to lose weight, it's a diversion from their own lack of size in certain areas.

You're always running into people's unconscious.

Hard times fall upon everybody. Whatever it is, we're going to get out of it.

Well, I love Bob Dylan, let's make that clear. He's one of my musical heroes.

Bless me Father, I ate a lizard.