I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.

As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.

I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs.

If you're depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

He left to do whatever editors do.

You must mind and not lower the Church in people's eyes by seeming to be frightened about it for such a little thing.

Friend. Before Mark, I’d known its definition. Now I knew its meaning.

The secret was to just be cool, stay in God's graces, and work it out.

Oh, God, who does not exist, you hate women, otherwise you'd have made them different. And Jesus, who snubbed your mother, you hate them more.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined...

The only place I considered home was the boarding school, in Yorkshire, my parents sent me to.

Fathers need to be tough and tender...you be tough for your family, be tender with your family. You protect them, and you be a safe place.

We're not going to play the blues anymore. Let the white folks play the blues. They got 'em, so they can keep 'em.

If you read to your kids you'll make readers out of them, partly because they'll associate reading with good parent time.