I love England. In fact, they're getting to know me so well at Heathrow Immigration that this time I was able to completely bypass the six months rabies quarantine.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

My mom said I was a handful. Now I'm helpful.

One of the better guarantors of ending up in a good relationship: an advanced capacity to be alone.

Four turnovers. Two assists. I told him he'd have the game ball if he had taken care of the ball a little bit better.

I'm not sure who invented dodgeball, but I can almost guarantee you that it wasn't the shortest kid in the class.

Promises were a lot like impressions. The second one didn't count for much.

One may as well preach a respectable mythology as anything else.

We are the products of a highly intelligent and creative supreme being.

My life, I swear, is, like, 75% public. I have a very small percentage of my life that is private. But I do keep that private life private.

But I think the Champions League Final puts a massive pressure on every player and the manager, but we're enjoying the pressure and hopefully we can go there and win it.

Never let them know your next move.