I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

When there is too much sorrow in your heart, true compassion gets its ways out of it. Don’t make a will over your sorrow, nobody needs to inherit it!

If you put a small value on yourself, rest assured that the world will not raise your price.

Young children see the innocence of life, while some adults live in innocence.

To long to read.

You know you've reached true success the day you become truly humble. That's the day you stop needing to prove to the world - and yourself - that you've accomplished something meaningful.

I find that I have painted my life - things happening in my life - without knowing.

As a New Yorker, I'm someone who lives on an island and looks across to America.

My job will not be easy but I am convinced the problems will be solved in a quicker and more efficient way if there is unity and consensus.

I believe in - I am proud to belong to - the United States.

The difference between MUST & SHOULD is the life you want and the life you have.