I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Ah! Your eyes are lighting the moon with the silvery lights of love.

Try not to waste your entire life working just to earn a paycheck. Seek to discover what your true passion in life is, and start working on turning it into an empire of your own.

Knowledge is too final. Not knowing lets you dream a little.

Genuflection before the idol or the dollar destroys the muscles which walk and the will that moves.

Sleep and death, two twins of winged race, Of matchless swiftness, but of silent pace.

... so many tremendous decisions in life are made because it is five o'clock.

I always believe when you got something to say, that's when you put something out.

Life has a truth to it, and it's complicated - it's love and it's hatred.

I would like to be a heart surgeon or brain surgeon... something with that knowledge and the ability to save a life would be pretty cool. I wasn't that good in science class, though.

It's important to start off with ideals, even if they become modified at some later stage.