I love Steven Wright. I was in high school in the '80s, and there was a lot of stand up on television.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

To create emptiness in your heart, let it go with love and fill it with infinite love.

Every few words you speak, every little help you offer and every small advice you give mass up tiny miracles that can change someone's life forever!

You only live once, right?""Not true, " Quinn said, "you live every day. You only die once.

When (Big) Walter was in the right mood, he could be the most ferocious, the most inventive, the most dangerous harp player I ever heard.

Never attribute to malice or other deliberate decision what can be explained by human frailty, imperfection, or ignorance.

No one who had once learned to identify happiness with wealth ever felt that he had wealth enough.

When babies listen, what they're doing is taking statistics on the language that they hear.

I have been married three times and it just keeps better and better, but I'm going to stop here.

O Jesus, my Divine Saviour, I offer You my mind and heart. Direct their movements while I pray, so that I may offer my prayer in union with Your Immaculate Mother.

Cool URIs don't change