I love Valentine's Day. When you're a kid everyone gets a Valentine. It's like 'TO TIM, NICE PANTS, LOVE SCOTT'. It's Valentines galore!

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

Contrariety triumphed in the great hullaballoo of the end of the world!

You don’t create your reality. You co-create your reality.

I'm projecting somewhere between 100 million and 200 million computers on the Net by the end of December 2000, and about 300 million users by that same time.

Those who start in business with too little money are more likely to succeed than those who start with too much. Energy and imagination are the springboards to wealth creation.

I'm a heart-on-the-sleeves kind of person.

A man who has depths in his shame meets his destiny and his delicate decisions upon paths which few ever reach . . .

When I'm not governing my country any more, I'll go back to taking care of children.

In football, hate can be a beautiful thing; sustaining and nourishing, quite unlike other manifestations of an otherwise destructive emotion.

On her daughters: I have a 5 year old and I have a 1 year old.