I love a stupid joke, something that doesn't make any sense.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

The most beautiful sunset is the one which suddenly appears in front of you while you are walking pensively!

Quick: noise made by a dyslexic duck

As I get older, I've been having a better and better time.

My choice early in life was either to be a piano player in a whorehouse or a politician. To tell the truth, there's hardly a difference.

That government is best which governs not at all; and when men are prepared for it, that will be the kind of government which they will have.

People who want to find a place of rest, want to find an integrated personality, sense of self, want fewer fractures in their lives.

You don't want to trash what you've done; that's your history.

The magic's back and we're in a time tunnel, feeling like when we were in our 20s back in the 1970s.

I like boys. I am not foreign; I was born and raised in Hickory County, Mo.

Anyone can be tolerant of those who are tolerant.