I love anyone who surprises me and makes me laugh.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Whether in the intellectual pursuits of science or in the mystical pursuits of the spirit, the light beckons ahead, and the purpose surging in our nature responds.

First class Manager hire first class leader, second class Manager hire third class manager and third class manager fire first class leader.

I'm a crazy car guy. I've got an airplane hangar full of cars.

People are the same wherever you go. And if they weren't, they wouldn't laugh at the same s**t.

In their confusion and delusion, men hate the womb that gives them birth. Not all men, certainly , but enough men to run the world.

Dr. S. Dillon Ripley, secretary of the Smithsonian Institute, believes that in 25 years, somewhere between 75 and 80 percent of all the species of living animals will be extinct.

Metallica is the world to me - it always has been, and that's not going to change. I'm married to Metallica.

It's funny when someone says to you 'you're hot' and all that, because I don't think of it in that way.

I will keep a smile on my face and in my heart even when it hurts today.

Well, I'm not a crook.