I love being from a screwed up family. We have everything in my family: prescription drug abuse, mental illness, one of my uncles is a Mormon.

Screw normal. You know why? 'Cause if you're normal, the crowd will accept you. But if you're deranged, the crowd will make you their leader.

Everyone has an enemy. It's why God gave us baseball bats. Well, He gave us trees, but we knew what He meant.

I don't fail. I succeed at finding out what doesn't work.

Take the time to smell the roses. Sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee and die.

The normal make a living. The deranged make history.

I think when you sit alone with your brain too much, your own brain starts to rebel against you.

Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, Booty - mmm mmm.

I don't believe in right or left; I don't believe in Santa or Satan. I believe in things I can touch - like vodka and Oreos.

Anyone can have a relationship but if you're dating a woman who's so crazy in bed that if you aren't wearing your Kevlar one night you might never see daylight again... that's exciting.

The only thing that ever made me want to be a wife-beater is being called one. Your honor, can I have five minutes to make her not a liar, please?

At dawn the waves looked like mountain ranges tipped with gold as sunbeams slanted low under burgundy clouds.

Our prayers may be an index of how small and self-centered our world is.

You can accept it that it may be true what somebody else says, but until you have experienced it, it is not dynamic to your own awareness.

If one shed tears, they must be shed on one's pillow.

We should be writing more great roles for women, period. Another problem is that movies are generally made for 14-year-old boys, and 14-year-old boys want to watch 25-year-old action heroes.

I wish I could tell my parents, " If you want to help me, help me die.

I have learned over the course of my many years that it is a bad idea, usually, to investigate piteous weeping but always a fine thing to look into a giggle.

Will you continue doing goodness even if you know that no one will know them? Will you continue doing kindness even if you know that no one will remember them? Then, you are truly a holy man!

God has no role to play in politics except to make sure politicians go where they belong. To hell.

What Moses brought down from Mt. Sinai were not the Ten Suggestions, they are Commandments. Are, not were.