I love being onstage, I love the relationship with the audience.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The moment-when I could no longer face myself in the mirror-wasn't easily explained

Reality rarely changes

those who judge must take all aspects of an individual's personality into account.

Life has many changes. Tomorrow it may rain, and it's supposed to be sunshine, 'cause it's summertime. But God's got a funny soul, he plays like Charlie Parker.

You must climb above yourself-up and beyond, until you have even your stars under you.

Growing old is something you do if you're lucky.

And these gems of Heav'n, her starry train.

[I believe in the] rebuilding of Judea as an independent nation.

Life is lived only once. And the less seriously the better.

Disbelief is catching. It rubs off on people.