I love being onstage. I love the relationship with the audience. I love the letting go, the sense of discovery, the improvising.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

We are what we pretend to be, so we must be careful about what we pretend to be.

The possibility of making an error and coming back to try again is real when you have not fully prepared.

My dream has come true. I play with the great players and on a great team. I'm smiling and happy and enjoying the time of my life.

The people I know who seem to make unusual efforts at rationality, are unusually honest, or, failing that, at least have unusually bad social skills.

In their rules there was only one clause: Do what you will.

I've been blessed to be at the right place at the right time.

It's better to light a candle than to curse the dark In the eyes of the youth, there are question marks

Lead from the back — and let others believe they are in front.

Life can dictate that we suffer physical restrictions and limitations, but no one has the ability to restrict or in any way demean our spirit unless we agree to it.

Audiences are far from being as dumb as some performers seem to think.