I love comedians. They're my community.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

If "Manners maketh man, " as someone saidThen he's the hero of the dayIt takes a man to suffer ignorance and smileBe yourself, no matter what they

With you as an inspiration, a painter will create his best painting, a writer will write his best literature and a poet will create his best poetry.

It is not the pain from the present that is killing you, but all your repressed feelings from the past that adds weight to it.

I finally returned to Iran in 1979, when I got my degree in English and American literature, and stayed for 18 years in the Islamic republic.

I regard the whole of my life as having been lived in an anxious world.

Taoism is not a religion, although perhaps it has been made into one by some people. Lao Tsu's way of life occurs in any spiritual philosophy.

Women are much stronger than men. When a woman says enough is enough, which means enough is enough. Man will always lie at her feet in the hope of return. I was lying. And somehow happy.

When I become mayor, we all become mayor.

We can support Barack Obama because he's committed to putting America back to work with good jobs - and he proved it by saving the auto industry.

My favorite prayer is thank you. Most people are asking for things and not doing their part.