I love having an open seat next to me on the train. What's even better is when my seat is open too because I just stayed home.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Smartass Disciple: Master, where is exactly the edge of this universe ?Master of Stupidity: Edge is wherever the absence of universal gravity.

People don't buy what you do

Speaking as a writer, it would be difficult to find an event in American history more dramatic and riveting than the Civil War.

Good products are built by people who want to use it themselves

Any lack of confidence in the economic future or the basic strength of business in the United States is foolish.

The little and short sayings of nice And excellent men are of great value, like the dust of gold, or the least sparks of diamonds.

Riding the train gives him too much time to think, he has decided. Too much thinking can ruin you.

Corporations are people, my friend.

The first step toward telling the truth is to tell the whole lie.

We should not underestimate the ability of people to do wrong if they want to do so.