I love hitting into the rough because it gets me close to the people.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

In matters of love, spread kindness like a flower.

Hope lies in dreams, in imagination, and in the courage of those who dare to make dreams into reality.

Literature is air, and Im suffocating in mediocrity.

Having these colossal accolades and titles, they get in the way.

I don't let myself get upset about the little nitpicky things anymore.

Failure isn't something to be embarrassed about; it's just proof that you're pushing your limits, trying new things, daring to innovate.

Marriage provides the solace of worked-on friendship and the joy of being known profoundly.

It is well-known that the friend of a conqueror is but the last victim.

And they discovered something very interesting: when it comes to walking, most of the ant's thinking and decision-making is not in its brain at all. It's distributed. It's in its legs.

The longer a line, the more of the time element it contains. Distance is time whereas a surface is apprehended more in terms of the moment.