I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

What God expects us to attempt He also enables us to achieve.

It is well that war is so terrible - we would grow too fond of it.

Loving the ideal more than the reality is the cause of all the misery the human species creates for itself.

Christ, having sacrificed himself once, is to eternity a certain and valid sacrifice for the sins of all faithful.

When I was a kid, I was a big science fiction fan, but current horror books were harder to get your hands on.

Outside our comfort zone, though, is where we experience the true awesomeness of God.

We must come to see that the end we seek is a society at peace with itself, a society that can live with its conscience.

The more power government has to provide things, the more power it has to dictate terms.

There is a garden in her eyes, where roses and white lilies flow.

Let now the chimneys blaze And cups o'erflow with wine; Let well-tuned words amaze With harmony divine.