I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

We have chemical weapons in America too, they're called meth and cocaine.

You write some material, go up on stage and try it out; go back home and throw it in the trash can. And the next day do it again.

The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

As a result of this greed for power, the poor is not only silenced but also oppressed.

Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies.

Of course slavery and the Muslims were deeply implicated in the slave trade, Islam was an Imperialist religion which destroyed Christianity in the Near East, yet nobody mentions those facts.

I suppose I shouldn't go around admitting I speak untruths on the radio.

If there is work there is warmth, that when a man has freedom of movement it is enough, for then his blood is hot too

The crimes of extreme civilization are probably worse than those of extreme barbarism, because of their refinement, the corruption they presuppose, and their superior degree of intellectuality.

I drive a car till it turns to dust, then I sweep up the dust and ride on the dust.

Pain adds rest unto pleasure, and teaches the luxury of health.

In this world we live in now, with a 24/7 news cycle, perception can sometimes be more powerful than reality.

If laser beams can cut through mountains, why should we doubt the power of prayer?