I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Inaction creates nothing. Action creates success.

The man who goes to the top is the man who has something to say and says it when circumstances warrant. Men who keep silent underdressed are moral cowards.

I believe that for peace a man may, even should, do everything in his power. Nothing in this world could rank higher than peace.

I'm comfortable with how I lived my life as the president.

I like bringing the girls on set, but if I can't do that then the next day I feel I have to be uber-mum to make up for it. Then I'm exhausted and feel like I'm running in fumes.

The dreams I chased took me on a journey,a journey more rewarding than the goals

I hate commas in the wrong places.

Background for Humans

I think that when I make a film, I'm terrified that people will come to work and work on something that they're not proud of.

The bird that flutters least is longest on the wing.