I love performing, and it allows me to be very discerning about what I choose next, thank god.

If you have a dream, just lie about it. Lie your way unto your dreams.

Joel McHale is so money, he should be printed on money.

In prison, inmates sometimes use Cheetos and grape juice as makeup. I wouldn't use that beauty regimen around Britney Spears - she might lick your face off!

I loved New Jersey. I thought it was the greatest place in the world because on Halloween kids could start trick or treating right after school. Isn't that great?

I used humor as survival, as a weapon and as comfort.

People have always said since TV was invented what a cultural wasteland it is but I think it is the worst and the best. It is the golden age of television.

I think we are as screwed as a culture as we are saved as a culture.

I don't think the NFL had the slightest intention of taking me, except as maybe a water boy.

Yes, I would say my comedy is grunge, evidenced by the fact my jokes have put an end to big-hair glam comedy.

I knew I wanted to be an actor. I just kept saying, "Until somebody tells me to stop, until I have to go get a real job, and until I'm practically homeless, I'm not gonna get one."

Waiting does not exist in the experience of those who recognize the presence of love wherever they are.

You can't solve climate change by everybody individually buying a more efficient car and throwing out less stuff. You have to make national changes through national policy.

Because reading is one of the joys of life, and once you begin, you can't stop, and you've got so many stories to look forward to.

I have taken an oath in my heart to oppose communism until the day I die.

Pride never sleeps. The principle at least is always awake. An intemperate man is sometimes sober, but a proud man is never humble.

Problem is, once I sit at my desk and put all these down on paper. I realize something vital is missing. It doesn't crystallize - no crystals, just pebbles. And I'm not transported anywhere.

If the Bible is God's word, and we believe it, let us handle it with reverence.

Acting, is not a profession for adults.

Love thyself, so that you can love another. Love thyself so that you cannot project fear. Love thyself so as to let others love you. Love thyself so as to let people near.

Like great art, something essential dies when great jokes are explained. So what's the key to telling a good joke/creating great art timing.