I love playing in the UK because there are some topics that you just can't talk about in the States without getting run out of town. So let me just say this: Louis C. K.'s new show sucks.

Race, Religion, Ethnic Pride, Nationalism does nothing but teach you how to hate people you have never met

You never hear in the news, "200 killed today when Atheist rebels took heavy shelling from the Agnostic stronghold in the north."

If you're offended by any word in any language, it's probably because your parents were unfit to raise a child.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

There's only two types of people who are against drugs: the people who have never done drugs and the people who really sucked at doing drugs.

I am a very mediocre intellect, at best, and I am smarter than most people I know - and that terrifies me.

Shouldn't the long-term goal of any society be complete unemployment?

One UK paper described me as a "miserablist", a word I'd never heard before or since. I looked it up and it means someone who can only be happy when they are miserable. Perfect.

I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they're scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: You can't just go out and sell it for what it's worth, we're holding out for so much more!

What if I don't want a leader? Where does that vote go? I do good on my own. I don't want to be led.

Think positive, Butch.

Recognize yourself in he and she who are not like you and me.

No man really knows about other human beings. The best he can do is to suppose that they are like himself.

Salvation is not a plan; it's a Man.

I went to see John Mayall at the Marquee, with Peter Green on guitar, and that was a particularly good gig.

children like change - for one thing, they never anticipate regret.

The Spirit speaks directly to our hearts through music. That's why music has always had such power to move people into positive action.

The surest way to be late is to have plenty of time

These ante meridiem cats, insomniacs... Four in the mornin' we throwin back some Cognac juice.

I have a life coach out with me on tour, a very nice guy from L.A. He just prepares me for each day.