I love stand-up more than anything, and I'm so happy to have found a way to use it in the show.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Her touch is like doing simple mathWhen she sleeps in the bed, subtracting clothesThere is a red ink, like a sparkling red wine, adding colorsDividing body, remembering gods, without multiplying

Nature intends all men and women to be mental and spiritual giants, and does not intend that any one should follow the will of another.

Avoidance of mistakes is the beginning, as it is the end, of mastery in chess.

I’ve been feeling something else. Like I’m about to be sucked into something powerful and painful.

A company like DreamWorks, all we do is make product. That's all we do. We don't own distribution. We are purely in the creation of content.

We both followed our hearts and had no choice but to hurt each other deeply.

The purpose of direct action is to create a situation so crisis-packed that it will inevitably open the door to negotiation.

Because she is my sister, and therefore one half of me.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

People should really take care when they vote, and pay more attention to what people say they're going to do - instead of just how they feel about how things are going.