I love the smell of a new book, but I prefer inhaling fresh bottles of ink and glue. They get me more lightheaded – unless I read the book.

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

The idealist hopes. The romantic sees doom. The postmodernist sees doom and hopes.

The lampshade on my head is for my bright ideas. I won't be able to convey them until Monday, when my curtain gets out of the dry cleaners.

Pure joy is rare. That’s why for every meal I eat a really bloody steak.

Mom always said I was born to sit in the electric chair, but I'm proving her wrong. I'm going to die on my knees, begging for my life.

I bet there are a lot of women out there who want to sleep with a guy who reads. And being the head of the reading foundation, I’m very well endowed.

I love working with my hands. My writing is rough, my paper bruised with ink stains.

Night clubs are where Americans learn the laws of motion.

Education: learning to find your purpose. Upon finding your purpose: what did I learn?

If all women revealed their age, men would have nothing to hide from each other.

After all, what else is scientific enquiry of any sort other than a controlled version of banging one's head against the universe until something gives?

Our constitution is a ray of hope: H for harmony, O for Opportunity, P for people's participation and E for equality.

Never love anything that can't love you back.

...Pomeranians speak only to Poodles and Poodles speak only to God.

Until quite recently dance in America was the ragged Cinderella of the arts . . .

Despair gives the shocking ease to the mind that a mortification gives to the body.

No treaty is ever an impediment to a cheat.

The problem with most love stories in my opinion is that they're too simplistic.

I learned to swing on monkey bars over asphalt. I learned that if you fall, it hurts, so you try not to fall. But it's still worth swinging.

The only useful function of a statistician is to make predictions, and thus to provide a basis for action.