I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Some men, under the pressure of incarceration, showed true mettle, while others revealed themselves as less than what they had appeared to be.

You know, a man always judges himself by the balance he can strike between the needs of his body and the demands of his mind. You're judging yourself now, Mersaut, and you don't like the sentence.

I know how I want to try and live my life. I know I dont want to leave any darkness behind me.

I layer my moisturizers, which makes my complexion so fresh, I can wear less foundation.

I have been born again and again and each time, I have found something to love.

Nothing annoys a man as to hear a woman promising to love him "forever" when he merely wanted her to love him for a few weeks.

I'm trying to teach people not to be selfish. That's the thing. If you have a good thing share it. Of course we're not in a sexual relationship.

Actually, most mathematics courses do not teach reasoning of any kind. Students are so baffled by the material that they are obliged to memorize in order to pass examinations.

I know not whether taxes are raised to fight wars, or wars are fought in order to raise taxes.

All the evil in the world, and all the unhappiness, comes from the I-concept.