I love the way my life has fallen into place.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

There is no life without change.

Thought is yours only. Nobody can alter or influence the use you mean to make of it.

You might belong in Hufflepuff, Where they are just and loyal, Those patient Hufflepuffs are true and unafriad of toil

I don't believe in depriving myself of any food or being imprisoned by a diet.

The only thing that makes sense is if the universe is beautiful and simple and elegant.

Maybe if I point to my brain it will work.

Mum, Vitali just sent me a text, would you pass me a new pair of panties.

I come from the school of do it yourself mate. Unfortunately over the years there's been quite a few of, "Can you do it for us Johnny, so we can grab all your glory?".

Machines are on track to be on par with human intelligence in less than 15 years.

And consider: it is loss to which everything flows, absence in which everything flowers