I love the way they run in fright when I turn on the kitchen light. And when I squish them on the ground, they make a pleasant crunchy sound.

It doesn't take a military genius to see we'll all be crispy critters after World War III.

As my father used to tell me, the only true sign of success in life is being able to do for a living that which makes you happy.

In heaven there is no beer. That's why we drink ours here.

If money can't buy happiness, then I guess I'll have to rent it.

You got me stranded on the bungee tower of love.

I'm still a geek on the inside, that's the important thing.

At this point I've got a bit of a track record. So people realize that when 'Weird Al' wants to go parody, it's not meant to make them look bad... it's meant to be a tribute.

If you want to avoid heated arguments, never discuss religion, politics, or whether the toilet paper roll should go over or under.

As a wise man once said, “April Fools Day is for amateurs. You NEVER need an excuse to mess with people's heads.”

Nows the time to go for all the gusto you can grab. You'll have plenty of time to be low-key when you're laid out on the slab.

You know how they say the path to hell is paved with good intentions? Well, maybe the path to heaven is paved with bad ones.

If you saw Queen Elizabeth it would be amazing, she came from another planet. She was so attractive in what she was wearing.

After I joined Toyota, there was a period when I drove more than 200 cars in one year - different types, other companies' cars. I want to be able to tell what distinguishes one car from the next.

You know what I think my best quality is? I think I'm nice to have around. I'd hate it if I weren't around!

We've lost a bunch on the road, I don't even know how many. It's a relief to get this one.

Confine yourself to observing and you always miss the point of your own life.

Tell of his wondrous faithfulness, And sound his power abroad; Sing the sweet promise of his grace, And the performing God.

It may be that there is such a thing as racial memory, and it is supported by the undeniable observation that the goblins will get you if you don't watch out.

Evil or not, the recording industry kept Auto-Tune on the down-low. Cher's producer forced Auto-Tune to jump suddenly from one pitch to the next.

I can reason down or deny everything, except this perpetual Belly: feed he must and will, and I cannot make him respectable.