I love to smoke. I love to eat red meat. I'll only eat red meat that comes from cows who smoke, ok!? Special cows they grow in Virginia with voice boxes in their necks. "Moo"

Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

Life Sucks,get a helmet

You know why the French hate us so much? Thay gave us the croissant. And you know what we did with it? We turned it into our croissandwich, thank you very much.

Why hate someone for the color of their skin when there are much better reasons to hate them?

Crisis doesn't create character; it reveals it.

Ann Romney talking about middle class moms is like Chris Christie talking about a salad

There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid.

I'm really happy I went to a Catholic school because a lot of the repressive tactics they use make for great senses of humor.

What firefighters, and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do, basically these people say "I'm going to protect all these strangers."

I’m going to kill you, you know.

To doubt is to have faith in the worst possible outcome.

You know what the true definition of hell is? It's when you die, you get to meet the person you could have been.

I expect that [trying to do the best] of my players today and of my kids. My wife says I shouldn't expect that of my children, but I don't think that's asking too much.

We can either have a free Parliament or a free people. Personal freedom requires that all authority is restrained by long-run principles which the opinion of the people approves.

If you don't take it personally, the partnership between producers and directors is very intimate.

One trophy is good, but two are better. That way, when a hero wears his medals on his chest, at least his steps are level as he walks by.

Invention is the talent of youth, as judgment is of age.

Learn graceful ways of saying no and of pointing out that this pressure to do something is not in line with most people's wishes.

Anything can happen in stock markets and you ought to conduct your affairs so that if the most extraordinary events happen, that you're still around to play the next day.