I love watching people be totally committed in a very real way to stupid situations. I find it's not so much trying to be funny, it's trying to be real in a messed up context. That's comedy to me.

We all know the moon isn't made out of green cheese...but if it was made out of barbeque spare ribs would you eat it?

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.

I've always wanted to sail around the world in a handmade boat and I built a boat.

A fashion plate, a rock star in his own mind, Megamind is more showman than deadly menace.

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don't know

I have the physique a lot of people dream about having. It's my obligation to share it with the world.

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life

I look good. I mean, really good. Hey everyone! Come and see how good I look!

I think my new iPhone 5S is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at work

How can a warrior fight without his weapon?

[Her] idea of a fair trade--her lentils for your caviar.

It is remarkable how easily children and grown-ups adapt to living in a dictatorship organised by lunatics.

Anything created with fake intention or pretense cannot last long.

Two classes of people lose money; those who are too weak to guard what they have; those who win money by trick. They both lose in the end.

I have to tell you, I'm not like Demi Moore, where the tears trickle prettily down my cheeks. My whole face screws up and it's like, Oh please, get a room.

It is easy to magnify human personality and agencies. Prayer recognizes that God is the source of life and light and energy.

God is not in heaven - God is in the present moment. If you are also in the present moment you enter the temple.

In any market, in any country, there are developers who make money. So I say all of this doom and gloom, but there will always be people who make money, because people always want homes.

I started growing roses. I enjoyed the craft of it and that they're difficult to look after; they can provide joy.