I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

It is called as ‘discharge’ (karma) when one has to do it compulsorily and against his wishes.

My twin sister, my cousin, and I used to write and perform plays for my family. We raided the closets for costumes and fought over parts. I'm sure I was the bossiest one.

I just don't want to get caught up in the hype.

Many a man who might walk over burning ploughshares into heaven stumbles from the path because there is gravel in his shoes.

The blushing cheek speaks modest mind,The lips befitting words most kind,The eye does tempt to love's desire,And seems to, say 'tis "Cupid's fire.

I spent a lot of time trying to layer upon layer upon layer as I wrote. I think that's often the fear of a writer, that little nuances won't get picked up.

Living in Paris was a crash course in chic.

We are more often frightened than hurt; and we suffer more from imagination than from reality.

All time is is how much change you can pack into a second.

I wonder about silence. Also about darkness. I love the idea that city lights are a "conspiracy" against higher thoughts.