I love whenever they downgrade a hurricane to a tropical depression, because I always think of a tropical depression as how I feel three songs into a Jimmy Buffett concert.

My wife and I want to try swapping. We want to go to one of those key parties where you put your keys in a bowl. But we just want to upgrade our car.

George Lopez does so much mugging, I'm surprised he's not up on charges.

People are trying so hard to become famous. Johnny Marbles, he tried to throw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face. What do I gotta do, give Sumner Redstone a wedgie?

You know, civil rights is great and everything, but a lot of people don't realize that plumbers in the South make less money than when they used to install separate drinking fountains.

There's a lot of controversy online, some people say i'm a genius and other say i'm hugely talented.

Jewish people, we don't need the money. We're doctors and lawyers. It's the Christians who can't hold a steady job and have to go on TV and ask for money.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I believe conspiracy theories are part of a larger conspiracy to distract us from the real conspiracy. String theory.

Some of my inventions didn't take off. I invented a url lengthener.

My cat's fully capable of speaking, but he says he's afraid of me turning it into a Kevin James vehicle.

Life is always going to be stranger than fiction, because fiction has to be convincing, and life doesn't.

There was a saying in Umuofia that as a man danced so the drums were beaten for him.

I couldn't sleep one night and I was sitting in my office and I realized that I was an independent filmmaker.

Invisible harmony is better than visible.

He's a werewolf! That's why he's been missing classes!

To be a leader means, especially, having the opportunity to make a meaningful difference in the lives of those who permit leaders to lead.

I don't know enough about daytime, I think, to say anything.

Everywhere the flower of obedience is intelligence. Obey a man with cordial loyalty and you will understand him.

I'll probably always be 'Timothy Spall's son' and it's something I'm proud of. Maybe one day as well as that, they'll say of Timothy Spall that 'He's Rafe Spall's dad'.

Our beliefs are really rules for action.