I love writing. I never feel really comfortable unless I am either actually writing or have a story going. I could not stop writing.

Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.

There is no surer foundation for a beautiful friendship than a mutual taste in literature.

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine.

I always advise people never to give advice.

The fascination of shooting as a sport depends almost wholly on whether you are at the right or wrong end of the gun.

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

It was my Uncle George who discovered that alcohol was a food well in advance of modern medical thought.

As we grow older and realize more clearly the limitations of human happiness, we come to see that the only real and abiding pleasure in life is to give pleasure to other people.

The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.

No one answered. You could hear the light buzzing over us. I love that sound. It means school isn't working, that the teachers are losing the battle.

Sometimes rising above is the only way to stop the hate from spreading. It's not what anyone expects, and it does make them stop and think.

You don't invent circumstances, but when they happen they reveal human nature.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who likes to invite girls over for a Scotch and sofa.

My dad always told me, 'I don't care what you do. Just aim to be the best at it. Even if it's the world's best window cleaner.'

The fact that we don't read more books in America can be traced squarely to the fact that we have newspapers that are about a hundred times as big as the newspapers anywhere else.

I wanted to see if I could write a good book.

I'm not even sure who my audience is.

Mistakes are . . . immensely useful. . . they show us . . . where we are right now and what we need to do next