I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Quit thinking and take the plunge. The way to get started is to stop talking and start doing.

Nothing kills creativity so well as a big dose of negativity.

Ghosts are the only ones who never have to feel scared. Because the worst thing in the world has already happened to them.

It isn't so astonishing the number of things that I can remember as the number of things I can remember that aren't so.

The dream in your heart may be bigger than the environment in which you find yourself. Sometimes you have to get out of that environment in order to see your dream fulfilled.

there is no such thing as fantasy unrelated to reality

I can set up shop anywhere. I've got my oils, I've got my yoga mat and I'm good to go. I must know good yoga classes in about 25 cities on this planet

It is one of the dangerous self-deceptions of our society to pretend that mechanisms of control do not really exist, and to maintain, without qualification, that we are an economically "free" people.

People are not born bastards. They have to work at it.

Government should uphold-and not undermine-those institutions which are custodians of the very values upon which civilization is founded: religion, education and, above all, family.