I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone... you answer it.

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

Cause my life is dope, and I do dope sh*t

I support anyone's right to be who they want to be. My question is: to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

Chivalry is dead. Women killed it.

A sage has one advantage he is immortal. If this is not his century many others will be.

We do not understand the intricate pattern of the stars in their courses, but we know that He who created them does, and that just as surely as He guides them, He is charting a safe course for us.

Writing is a solitary pursuit and I think you have to be partially at peace with yourself, but it's the other part that's usually producing the stuff worth reading.

Told you, Rose. Get too close to the sun, and you'll burn." -Edward Elric

The foundation of a strong economy and job creation begins with providing every child in America with the best possible education, including students with disabilities.

For many of us, our values come from our faith.

It's not the place, I think. It's the people. We'd have all been the same anywhere else.

John Howard turned the prime ministership into something like a state police minister. He's at the scene of every crime, twice a day on radio, the guy did no thinking.

It blew my mind that this stuff had survived for two thousand, three thousand years.

Haters can keep on hating.