I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over he would have put diamonds on the floor.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The strength of a woman is not measured by the impact that all her hardships in life have had on her

Success can make anyone look good, it is the failures that reveal the true face of a man.

Statesmanship is developed in the hard knocks of general experience, private and public.

Rich widows are the only secondhand goods that sell at first-class prices.

The greatest events-they are not our loudest but our stillest hours.

All fruitfulness flows from intimacy.

There are far too many men in politics and not enough elsewhere.

A thousand candles can be lighted from the flame of one candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness can be spread without diminishing that of yourself.

That's what I've been trying to strive for - to draw a clear picture, to open up a new dimension.

The National Park Service today exemplifies one of the highest traditions of public service.