I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

WHOLE WORLD IS A SCHOOL FOR THOSE WHO WISH TO LEARN.

Your former friend Luke " Poseidon corrected. "He once promised things like that. He was Hermes's pride and joy. Just bear that in mind Percy. Even the bravest can fall.

...to kill animals for the purpose of feeding on their flesh is one of the most deplorable and shameful infirmities of the human state

Just went to a lovely Catholic wedding. I need a drink. They didn't even offer us water. Well they did, but it was Holy water.

I like chords that are very lush with all the lush parts taken out.

When I was born, my dad and my mom gave me names, but in Africa, when your child is born, especially close family members can suggest names they want to add on.

Caution is the daughter of circumspection, but she tends to outgrow her mother.

Zeus it seems has given us from youth to old age a nice ball of wool to wind-nothing but wars upon wars until we shall perish every one.

To let blessed babies go dangling and dawdling without names, for months and months, was enough to ruin them for life.

Sin has the devil for its father, shame for its companion, and death for its wages.