I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

The abundance of small things, it'll bury you.

The most dangerous diminutions of freedom come from those who are convinced of their moral rectitude.

Blessed is he that expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. expect nothing - get nothing! but expect something - get something!!

It was a terrible day for baseball, it was a worse day for Congress.

Students, in particular, now find themselves in a world in which heightened expectations have been replaced by dashed hopes.

Does it make any sense at all that the chair of a national party would want fewer voters to see our candidates?

The solution of every problem is another problem

I think that the more alien and strange a world or situation is, the more concise you have to be if you want the reader to follow you. It depends on what effect you're looking for.

I hope to build a house with my films. Some of them are the cellar, some are the walls, and some are the windows. But I hope in time there will be a house.

I don't really believe in writer's block or anything like that. If I'm not feeling words, I may pick up an instrument and play with sounds or delve into different types of creativity and expression.