I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Miracles centered gospel makes our people to be superficial and light.

Prayer changes things.

It's better to waste money than time. You can always get more money.

I have the incredibly good fortune of being able to make the majority of the work I produce in the world on my own with no one bothering me. It really comes entirely out of me.

Perhaps the universe is a memory of our mistakes.

Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.

Let the ancient serve the present, let the foreign serve the national; by developing that which has been accomplished one creates something that is new.

Steve Jobs was a digital pioneer, but when he went home, he listened to vinyl.

I remember my mom had a big collection of copies of Saturday Evening Post magazines, and that was really my introduction to those great illustrators.

Here she comes now, say, Mony, Mony. Shoot 'em down, turn around, come on, Mony.