I'm a big fan of the Mars Bar Diet. You don't eat the Mars bar, you stick it up your arse and let a rottweiler chase you home.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?... He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is ALWAYS something at the bottom to surprise you!

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Never trust a man, who when left alone with a tea cosey... Doesn't try it on.

There are two seasons in Scotland: June and Winter.

The desire to be a politician should bar you for life from ever being one.

I think age is terribly overrated. You're okay as long as you don't grow up. By all means grow old, but don't mature. Remain childlike, retain wonder, the ability to be flabbergasted by something.

Life is supposed to be fun. It's not a job or occupation. We're here only once and we should have a bit of a laugh.

In the seven years or so that had passed since I had last seen him, Sir Magnus Donners had grown not so much older in appearance, as less like a human being.

If Algeria introduced a resolution declaring that the earth was flat and that Israel had flattened it, it would pass by a vote of 164 to 13 with 26 abstentions.

I've known for years that resentments don't hurt the person we resent, but they do hurt us.

I cannot tell my story without reaching a long way back.

To be honest, I don’t think there’s any other show like ‘Doctor Who’ at all.

Seasteading could be the means by which humanity will live sustainably.

There never was a woman who did not prefer an oblique compliment to a straight truth - if the latter were unflattering.

I feel like there is this resurgence of amazing roles for women. It's because TV is so good - there are amazing parts for women on TV, and it's upped the game in movies.

Respectability is the state of never being caught doing anything which gives you pleasure.

Bush's America. I wish we had more time. I didn't even vote for him the second time, and I feel like I got to defend him.