I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

I can feel myself getting happier as the days go on and it's the greatest feeling ever. Nothing is better than self improvement.

Choosing my favorite moment in journalism would be like picking a favorite among my children. I can't pick one favorite.

In America you need a bodyguard to go out.

People may or may not say what they mean... but they always say something designed to get what they want.

Evil is obvious only in retrospect.

Everything is just as it needs to be. And if we would forgive, our minds and hearts would open and we could see another possibility.

My wife." "By what name is she called, Kincaid?" "Mine.

You need names to get the movie made.

I believe we have to bring Broadway a little Latino flair. We have to keep it alive.

We don't need answers and explanations as much as we need God's presence in and through the suffering.