I'm a comedian, for God's sake. Viewers shouldn't trust me. And you know what? They're hip enough to know they shouldn't trust me. I'm just doing stand-up comedy.

Here in Hollywood you can actually get a marriage license printed on an Etch-A-Sketch.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

Washington, DC is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

The easiest job in the world has to be coroner. Surgery on dead people. What's the worst thing that could happen? If everything went wrong, maybe you'd get a pulse.

We need anything politically important rationed out like Pez: small, sweet, and coming out of a funny, plastic head.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

Maybe democrats will eventually turn on Obamacare when they realize you might need a photo I.D. to participate in the program.

Xenophobia doesn't benefit anybody unless you're playing high-stakes Scrabble.

There is a chalk outline slowly being drawn around common sense and most people can't identify the victim.

It's foolish to be prejudiced. There are so many reasons to hate people on an individual basis.

It has been my philosophy of life that difficulties vanish when faced boldly.

No statement about God is simply literally true. God is far more than can be measured described defined in ordinary language or pinned down to any particular happening.

I love speed. I love racing cars, whether it's on the streets or wherever. Don't tell the St. Louis police, though.

In a regular class I don't focus on the form, but I think that focus is helpful for brainstorming and coming up with ideas quickly, especially with autobiographical material.

If you can put the question, 'Am I or am I not responsible for my acts?' then you are responsible.

We are all searching for some form of family or foundation - for a place we can feel safe and secure.

A leader is a reader.

What makes a man heavy is the gravity of virtue. Without it, man will be so light that he will be drifted in the winds of immorality.

If you're fortunate enough with your history, like with Men in the Cities, your work becomes so absorbed in culture that the authorship of it doesn't exist anymore.

The person of truth must be covered with bodyguards of lies.