I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

Time doesn't always heal all wounds.

Life is a handful of short stories pretending to be a novel.

We remained in Texas leading a quiet home life until 1889.

I think people who suffer from depression, unless it's post-traumatic, are probably going to struggle with it for their whole life.

People who seek attention, need all the help they can get.

Often we can help each other most by leaving each other alone; at other times we need the hand-grasp and the word of cheer.

My own journey started long before I left, and was over before I returned.

Kitsch is deep in its superficiality. Art is superficially deep.

A drawing a day keeps the cobwebs away.

Indeed, the crowning proof of their valour and their strength is that they keep up their superiority without harm to others.