I'm a compulsive everything.

I used to think I was a little unstable, and then I met every girl I've ever dated.

Saturday night is perfect for writers because other people have "plans.

What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn't understand math.

The key to eating healthy is not eating any food that has a TV commercial.

Falling in love is a completely transcendent experience. It's like eating pizza-flavored ice cream

Dopamine is a chemical released in your brain and your body when you sleep that paralyzes your body so you don't act out your dreams.

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I love pizza so much, I would marry pizza, but it would just be an elaborate ploy to eat her whole family at the reception.

Creepy people do the things that decent people want to do, but have decided are not a great idea.

It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.

your soul is an inner something that is another you and hardly anybody knows what it's really thinkin' except you.

You can't be a parent and say, 'I need you to be more active and I need you to eat right,' when you're still choosing to have poor eating habits.

The hospitality of the wigwam is only limited by the institution of war.

When you drank the world was still out there, but for the moment it didn’t have you by the throat.

I don't like vegetables and most fruit.

Jazz is rhythm and meaning.

Voiceless it cries, Wingless flutters, Toothless bites, Mouthless mutters.

No theater could sanely flourish until there was an umbilical connection between what was happening on the stage and what was happening in the world.

If you’ve ever wondered why some writers who, in your humble opinion, don’t write as well as you do yet are rich and famous while you struggle onward, this is the reason. They are great directors.

The world is full of nice people. If you cant find one, be one.