I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Create a life that you truly believe will make you happy.

The only freedom that deserves a name is that of pursuing our on good, in our own way, so long as we do not deprive others of theirs, or impede their efforts to obtain it ...

Jesus Christ knows the worst about you. Nonetheless, He is the one who loves you the most.

Whatever you say about something, it is not.

Taking a year off and going to school was the best thing I could have done after 'The Princess Diaries.' It taught me that I don't need Hollywood or a job to make me happy.

I'm continually trying to make choices that put me against my own comfort zone. As long as you're uncomfortable, it means you're growing.

A man full of faith is simply one who has lost the capacity for clear and realistic thought.

In the long and dogged crusade that the human race has fought in favor of democracy, the ideal of liberty, of freedom, has always been the goal.

I don't know whether a poem has be there to help to develop something. I think it's there for itself, for what the reader finds in it.

Sometimes witches merit saving. Quite often, actually. You'd be surprised.