I'm a friend of the CEO of Twitter and he showed me how to be on it, but it causes such an uproar if what you post is perceived in a negative light.

I think free speech is probably the coolest thing we have in this country, and again, you can label it hate speech and dismiss it, and then you're allowed to censor it.

After years of begging, I got my parents to get me a little Craig tape recorder, a reel to reel. Then I started recording voices, or recording Jonathan Winters off television and stuff like that.

If I only ran when nothing hurt, I would never run.

That's why modern corporate movie making has become so laborious that comedians are kind of kicked out by 50.

You know, sometimes you can't just take an armadillo, put it in the barn, light it on fire and expect it to make licorice.

It's almost like he's started to sound even more exotic the more people started doing him. I don't know why, but there's just something about Al Gore that makes me laugh.

A mom and dad found an S&M magazine under their 10-year-old son's bed, and the dad said, 'Well, we sure can't spank him.'

If she were a President, she'd be Babe-raham Lincoln!

Am I not turtley enough for the Turtle Club? Turtle! Turtle!

I know it's a cliche, but the whole family is just whacked. I mean, we're all out of our minds. They're the funniest, most eccentric bizarre people I've ever met, my siblings.

I feel as though I am ice and he is fire.We are so completely different, yet thesame.

Leaders are the human catalyst that overcomes our desire for the status quo.

I can't come, ' she said apologetically, 'I have forgotten how to fly.''I'll soon teach you again.''O Peter, don't waste the fairy dust on me.

In the Bible we find everything we need to guide and energize our lives, to keep us on track so that we live out God’s plan.

Every road leads somewhere. The challenge is to pick the right road and then to stay on it.

You don’t have to wait for a storm to pass to paint your own rainbow.

Good updates are nice, as a matter of netiquette. Bad ones are negative. NetworkEtiquette.net

Paul Ryan has become a doormat...And he's become this little person who is following Romney around.

I don't think pain is a prerequisite for growth, but on the other hand, most of us choose very painful ways to learn.

If you want to follow your dreams, you have to say no to all the alternatives.