I'm a geek to the bone.

But the mechanics of learning to 'throw your voice' are pretty simple. Anyone with a tongue, an upper palate, teeth, and a normal speaking voice can learn ventriloquism.

When a bad experience happens, you just chalk it up to the great fact that you just got five more jokes in the show.

As humans we like to laugh at our fears, we like to whistle in the dark.

A comedian needs to have his own filters, needs to know his audience, how far he can push things.

I've always said that instead of watching a guy juggle seven things amazingly I would rather see a really bad juggler who's really funny.

If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

Everybody has their favorite character.That's the only way I pick, whatever is going on in society, whatever I think folks will laugh at that's what I come up with.

I started in a business background, but then it was like, 'you know, I can't do math,' so I changed it to a liberal arts degree and got my Bachelor of Arts in Communications and it made sense.

I've got an answer to where Osama bin Laden is and I know, he's dead and living in my suitcase with my dummies.'

I used to pick Priuses out of the grill of my Hummer.

He touched my soul long before I knew what his hands felt like.

That's what I'm gonna do: quit gradually...I'm gonna lose one lung; little while later I'm gonna lose the other one.

There are words to describe her, my dear, but one does not repeat them in polite company.

To be abandoned like that! Shut out when you most need to be loved.

You can't talk your way out of a situation you acted you way into.

I've always loved Ibanez guitars, and in particular 7 strings.

Fortune moulds and circumscribes human affairs as she pleases. [Lat., Fortuna humana fingit artatque ut lubet.]

The older I've got the less I find myself going back and re-reading or really reading new fiction or poetry.

If the critics were always right we should be in deep trouble.

I prefer to choose which traditions to keep and which to let go.