I'm a hero with coward's legs.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

You really shouldn't say I love you unless you mean it. But if you mean it you should say it a lot. People forget.

There will always be people who will accept you for what you are!

We can never be sure that the opinion we are endeavouring to stifle is a false opinion and if we were sure stifling it would be an evil still.

What is it that you most fear hearing about your work?

I was at dinner with Gene Wilder and imitated Ethel Barrymore for everyone

The school is the manufactory of humanity.

Aren't rumors great. Anyone can start them. They're a wonderful way to put out feelers. It's like getting the benefits of a publicist without paying one.

When we choose a god we choose one as much like ourselves as possible, or even more so!

Acquaintance many, and conquaintance few, But for inquaintance I know only two - The friend I've wept and the maid I woo.

For every person wishing to teach there are thirty not wanting to be taught.