I'm a huge news junkie. I love what the news does.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Daring life, graceful living.

Silence can bring us into alignment with our thoughts and feelings and help us to hear the quiet spiritual voice of our intuition.

Comics are essentially films with fewer frames per second.

Don't workout because you think you 'need' to, do it because your body deserves love, respect and healthy attention.

Anyone can cut an apple open and count the number of seeds. But, who can look at a single seed and count the trees and apples?

You cannot be spiritually free and financially bound.

Every moment of your life that is not a complete nightmare is happiness.

I believe that in the end that it is kindness and accommodation that are all the catalysts for real change.

If you feel alone and you've got nowhere to run to, always remember that your family is always there for you. It's their duty.

Ambition, the soldier's virtue.