I'm a huge sports fan but have no interest in minutiae. I don't remember who won Super Bowls five years ago or listen to sports talk radio.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

But the absence of tears wasn't the same as an absence of feeling.

Eyes as black and as shiny as chips of obsidian stared back into his. They were eyes like black holes, letting nothing out, not even information.

I will do everything by apply with all the legal and apply with the rule of law. And the main important thing that I have to be fairness to everyone, not just only one person.

I'm making and marketing my films, by any means necessary, and enjoying life while I do so.

I take work very seriously and telling the truth in my job and professionalism.

I think the only safe medium are books, because people like to hold books in their hand.

Standup is tough; if you are going through a hard period in your life, it is very hard to get up in front of people and be the happy guy in the room.

The best way to become a successful writer is to read good writing, remember it, and then forget where you remember it from.

I'm going to do my thing and if you react a certain way - with pity or with anger - that's up to you.

There really is no Johnny Carson anymore. There is no one place a comedian can appear and explode.